Podcast - Episode 1
Okay. Well, welcome everybody to our first ever podcast about parenting neurodiverse teens and young adults. Um, I'm Dr. Ed Callahan, and I have been in the field for over 30 years working with parents and families in different situations and circumstances. And, uh, joining me today is Amy Jay, who is a parent.
And so what we thought we would do is just have some conversations about parenting, um, a neurodivergent teen or young adult, and talk about just some of the nuances of that, and I'll share my kind of professional point of view and experience, and Amy will chime in with the parent side of things. So get the perspective from both, uh, both myself and Amy as we talk about some of the nuances and challenges of parenting a neurodivergent teen or young adult, and as well as some of the fun or cool aspects of it as well.
This doesn't all have to be doom and gloom. We [00:02:00] know it is definitely challenging, but we wanna try to provide some, uh, information that'll be helpful for you as you're listening to this, uh, podcast. So anyways- Well, that doesn't really dovetail into what I was gonna say, 'cause I was gonna say it's just hard.
Yep. So again, gotta remind me, you know, this definitely is just hard. It's just hard. Um, so yeah. So I think probably one of the first things I wanna start off is- Um, if you're a, a parent who's kind of new to this or starting to realize that maybe your child is on the autism spectrum or has ADHD or maybe non-verbal learning disorder or maybe some other learning disorders like dyslexia, dysgraphia or dyspraxia, those kind of things, um, that's what the kind of the global term of neurodiversity encompasses.
And so yeah, I just want to be clear about that. It's, it's, it's attention deficit disorder, uh, autism spectrum disorder, um, non-verbal learning disorder, and then learn- the other kind of learning disorders like dyslexia, dysgraphia, dyspraxia, and, and so on. And that's kind of the [00:03:00] general term of what neurodiversity is.
So, um, if you're new to this, that, that could be a lot of new information. And again, this is kind of a complex and in-depth issue. And so, um, you know, I, I hope you'll have patience to start this process and, and, um, you know, learn as much as you can about it and, and there's reasons why that's important. And if you're a parent that has experience in parenting and have done a lot of research and things like that, we hope that you'll find value in this as well.
Just, um, always looking for different ideas and, uh, you know, things to try and, you know, new, new things to approach or new ways to think about, uh, definitely problems that, that you may be experiencing. And also, I think the important mindset is, is, you know, just trying to find ways to work with your teen or young adult's brain rather than work against it, you know what I mean?
So that's kind of my big thing all the time, like trying to find strategies that work with their brain rather than against their brain. So- Well, and the challenge for parents is, is that you get so much conflicting information about [00:04:00] how you should parent your child, and the neurotypical stuff does not work with a neurodiverse child.
And you have family members and sometimes professionals and friends and everybody, and then you've got a lot of feelings wrapped up in that, of guilt and, you know, "Is it me? Am I a bad parent? What's going on?" All that kind of stuff. So it makes it really challenging. Yeah, and I think that's probably the, one of my big messages I want to get out to everybody as I start trying to build my digital, uh, practice life here, is that really traditional parenting is a lot of times the exact opposite of what you should- Yep
be doing with your neurodiverse, uh, child. And so it is really hard because everything, maybe all the parenting that you experienced yourself as a, as a kid growing up, let alone all the parenting books and all the advice out there is really contrary a lot of times, or it's counterintuitive, or really it's kind of the exact opposite of what you really need to be doing- Yep
to be more effective [00:05:00] with your neurodiverse teen. So yeah, that's right. I mean, I, you know, again, the, as you know, and you certainly, a lot of pressure socially to do things in certain situations that, um, you know, may, uh, certainly be what people would expect you to do in those situations, but recognizing that, you know, as you've found out, you know, a lot of times through trial and error, that if you do apply some of those traditional approaches, that it really just makes things harder and worse and can cause some, some harm actually, uh, to the process.
Well, and actually I remember when, when my kids were younger, before we knew they were neurodiverse, you know, as toddlers, they have all these systems out there, and I'm not gonna say which one we tried, but we tried one of those, you know, you get the videos and the CDs and you watch it and it's gonna, it's gonna make your life so much easier.
Well, it made our life twice as hard. But we didn't know why, right? Um, until we really finally got a diagnosis and started talking to people. But even then, a lot of times we would get conflicting information from schools and other places, so we were [00:06:00] always looking for other resources, and that's why I was so grateful when we found you, Dr.
Callahan, because you really need somebody where you can say, "This is, you know, kind of the situation that's going on," and you know, I really... Y- you're so emotionally close to it, it's very hard to be objective about how you should move forward. And so it's really helpful to have a good understanding of, of what works and what doesn't work, and then also some kind of parent community to kind of talk to, to bounce these things off of Yeah, I think that's one thing that's really missing is, you know, again, there's facegr- Facebook groups and other groups out there of parents that are starting to kind of organize and talk about things, but it's hard to find a community of people that are in the same boat, really, you know, that have the same issues, that are dealing with the same, uh, kind of challenges as each other.
Uh, because again, what you do is you get into another support group, and then you get all this traditional parenting advice that's saying, "No, you gotta hold more boundaries," or, "You gotta be stronger with [00:07:00] your consequences," or, "You need to take that, uh, take that phone away," or whatever it may be. And realizing that as you, you try that, a lot of times that just creates bigger problems and more conflict and, and, uh, really contributes to your son or daughter feeling more like they just can't meet the expectations, and then their self-esteem starts to take a, a plunge.
And they really don't have any other response other than to just melt down and, you know, either shut down completely or, uh, you know, get so dysregulated that they're possibly damaging property and things along those lines, so, um- Well, and I think such a... The other thing that makes such a big difference is the age that they are because the scenarios and the struggles, you know, you have a, you have a neurodiverse teen who doesn't wanna learn to drive.
How hard do you push it? Do you care? Do you not care? What, what makes the most sense? And there's lots of, you know, I can... I seem to find a lot of things out there for toddlers or even elementary school kids, but then it seems like there's this huge dead zone. Maybe it's because the teen years are so [00:08:00] hard, the adolescent years are so hard to tackle, but there's a dead zone, or there's particularly a dead zone for information about neurodiverse adolescents and teens.
Right. Yeah, and it's also the case a lot of times people don't recognize or the diagnose- their, their child goes undiagnosed until they get into that end of, uh, middle school or, you know, going right into high school where adolescence sets in and the social relationships get more complicated, and things that used to be kind of cute and quirky are now becoming problematic, and you're starting to see that the- Yeah
social relationship pieces are starting to get more, uh, apparent. And so sometimes, yeah, parents won't know until, you know, the end of, end of junior high and into high school, then all of a sudden it's starting to become apparent that there's a problem. Then maybe, if they're lucky, they get a diagnosis or an appropriate diagnosis.
Um, 'cause man, we could go into that all day too, which we'll have to come back to a- a- in a future episode. But that idea of- Um, like being misdiagnosed is huge. A lot of times, uh, k- kids on the spectrum will get [00:09:00] diagnosed as oppositional, meaning like oppositional defiant disorder or something along those lines, which is a completely different situation than from a kid who is, um, you know, either ADHD or on the autism spectrum because their, their reasons for the opposition is very different.
Um- Mm-hmm ... you know, coming from a, um, a, a child that's on the autism spectrum, it's more about emotional overwhelm and just being stimulusly overloaded and then having a hard time coping with everything or like changes in routine or schedules. These kind of things can really, uh, dysregulate them. And so it looks like opposition, and in fact, sometimes, you know, to the untrained eye, so to speak, they look very much the same.
Like, this kid just doesn't wanna do their homework, and they're gonna throw a fit, and, you know, they're gonna try to throw a tantrum to get out of responsibilities or something along those lines. But understanding the source of where that comes from makes all the difference in terms of how, one, you as a parent see it, because you're like, "Oh man, my, my, my son's really struggling right now.
What can I do to try to help?" Versus, [00:10:00] "Man, my son's just being a... You know, filling the blank right now. Being a jerk or whatever." And, you know, I, you know, feel like I want to, you know, punish them or consequence them to, to get them to, to behave differently. But of course, you know, if it is, uh, you know, coming from a point of neurodiversity, then that's gonna be the wrong, the wrong approach, for sure.
So, um- Well, and it... The, the whole thing is just so incredibly exhausting, right? For both parents. And it's even harder when as parents, you know, you're struggling to figure this out. Um, and in our case, for, for one of our neurodiverse children, we had a... We had one diagnosis, but we didn't have both, and one came much later.
And once we had that second one, it really made a difference. But my husband and I didn't even agree on what we should be doing. Yeah. And so, you know, and then the other sibling is, you know, having difficulties because there's, there's so much tension in the house. I mean, it just can be so painful. Um, and that's [00:11:00] really...
Working with you has really helped us because we've just had that opportunity to really understand what neurodiversity is and then have a better understanding of, of what's gonna work for our kids and what isn't. And then as we're implementing it, if something isn't quite going right, we have the parent forum to bounce it off of other people or off of you to say, you know, "This is what we tried.
We thought this was gonna work, and then it didn't. Why isn't it working?" And then we find out, oh, well, you know, we weren't quite handling it. Maybe... 'Cause you're so close to it- Yeah ... it's really difficult to be objective. Yeah, that's, that is so hard to be the parent of your own child versus, you know... Again, that's where the parent community comes in.
It's really helpful is because people can see things in other people's kids from an objective point of view that you just can't see yourself, and that's, again- Yep ... that's where my kind of like I see that a lot with, uh, just my professional point of view. Um, you know, I've seen a lot of different families under a lot of different circumstances, so it, it's easy for me to say, "Oh, hey, did you consider this?"
Because that's, you know, I've seen a lot of different r- these kind of [00:12:00] scenarios, and sometimes it's just a little subtle thing that makes a lot of difference in the long run, you know? Um, so, uh, but that's where the other, other parents in the community can definitely see things that maybe you wouldn't be able to, and plus, you know, coming from a non-judgmental place as well.
Like- Right ... you know, we've been through the ringer too, and yeah, we've done some crazy stuff trying to, to try to manage our son or daughter, and so they understand- Well, and, and- ... where we're coming from, so ... what's so helpful about the training though is, is that both parents have heard the same messaging, right?
And, uh, uh, I find your training a lot easier. I don't do well just sitting down reading a book. Um, but, you know, n- I find your training to be, you know- Quick to absorb and easy to understand. And a lot of times what will happen is I'll watch a video, my husband will watch a video, and then we'll both process it together.
Um, and e- every time... There's a lot of times where we realize, well, you know, this was [00:13:00] the way that I thought it should be done and this is the way you should- thought it should be done, and neither of us were on the same page or really frankly on the right track. Right. Um, and so, you know, through this process, what it's really helped my husband and I do is, is be on the same page, be kind of united in how we parent our children, which makes it better for them.
'Cause you really then are doing kind of being consistent and holding the boundaries kind of things that, you know, y- you can do for neurotypical kids. But, y- you know, we're doing it together, and frankly, the kids can't divide us and because they do do that, you know? They will, yeah. Yeah. Uh, they're very smart that way.
So, and it's helped our marriage 'cause we're not at each other's throats all the time because there's just so much tension and, "Well, I told you not to do that because that was gonna, you know, dysregulate so and so, and now you've wrecked the day." And, you know, there just is a lot of stuff that it really is disruptive to a family [00:14:00] if, if you don't know how to parent your children, of course.
Yeah. No, and I think that is... Uh, I mean, there are so many good points in there in terms of side tracks that you could go down, which we'll have... Again, I'll say for future content, we will come back- Right ... and visit some of these in more detail. But, um, yeah. So we talk about the outside pressure of people not understanding, um, you know, the nature of how to parent a neurodivergent kid.
And so a lot of times it's opposite, and so they're not, uh, understanding where you're coming from as a parent. But then if that happens within the parenting unit itself, like if one parent has a different way or a more traditional way and the other one wants to try this new approach, that if you're not on the same page, that that can really, uh, create some chaos.
And you also mentioned earlier about the sibling, right? And, and sometimes, uh, the fallout that goes along with, um, the experience they're having or, um- All the attention that's going to one of the, the kids who are in need versus the others being, feeling left out, and, you know, there's all kinds of complications that come along with that, um, that can be worked through.
But it does [00:15:00] take some really intentionality as a parent and kind of understanding- It does ... what you're doing. So that idea of being on the same page as much as possible, I mean, I think all parents, even under ideal circumstances, are gonna not be 100% on the same page, but being able to talk behind the scenes and figure out how to handle things and then try to present as, as unified a front as possible to the, to the, to the kids is the best way to go.
Um, but yeah, it can... Those things can get really exaggerated when you have a, a high needs child or, you know, a teen or young adult who's really struggling. Then that really brings out all of the challenges within the relationship as well. So, um, it really can take a toll. Yeah. The tension in our house- Yeah
has, has definitely gone down. And the other thing I like about the training as opposed to a book is, you know, I would read something and I'd be like, "Oh, where was that? Where am I gonna find it?" You know what I mean? 'Cause I need a refresher. I can't remember, but, you know, I can just look by the title of what's, you know, in your training and get right to where I want to.
And there's something about, you know, having somebody [00:16:00] explain it to you via video that just really sets it much better for me, and then enables me to kind of implement it again. Um, or, and I, you know, I won't lie, sometimes I get snarky and I'm like, "Well, you need to look at Ed's video again, you know, that says blah, blah, blah, 'cause you're off track."
I try not to do that, but- Yeah, that makes me real popular. Yeah. Please, please do that. That makes me- Once in a while it gets away from me and I just have to do it. But you know, truthfully- Yeah ... he does it, too. You know? Yeah. It's good for both of us, because it, it, it's not like either of us is telling the other one what to do.
We're both- in agreement that this is the right way to go, and we've just gotten off track and need a refresher. Yeah, and again, like I said, the- when you're in the middle of the, the battle, so to speak, it's easy to r- forget what's going on and what the, what the plan is and, you know, what you had agreed to do and stuff like that.
Yeah, it, it gets tough. You know what I mean? When the emotionality gets high, uh, which is, you know, can happen a lot, then it is, it's hard to stay calm and grounded and, and know what to do. But again, that, back to the emotional regulation piece, [00:17:00] that's a whole nother topic that we're gonna go into a lot because of, uh, how important I feel like it is to be very aware of, um, your own emotional states and how you're coping with the stress as well to make sure that you're in your best, uh, head space and everything as much as possible, even, even when the situation is really getting hairy, so to speak.
But, um- Well, and, and what, what it's also done is enabled us to meet our children where they are. And instead of being so focused on, and I'm just gonna bring up the driving example again, you know, "Well, if he never learns to drive," and, "Oh, we've gotta push it," and all that kinda thing, y- you pull back and you say, "Is this really that important?
Is it important that my child gets their license at 16 like everybody else?" Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. But y- you know, you start to think about what makes the most sense for your family and your child versus looking at what, what either you did growing up or what people around you were doing. Yeah.
'Cause that's really what's most important, and that's, for us, what [00:18:00] has built trust with our children, right? They recognize when we parent that way that, one, we, they don't feel like we're disapproving of them, right? I mean, uh, poor neurodiverse kids And adults, frankly, get a million messages all day long from society about how they're not good enough, or they don't fit the mold, or they're not right in some way, which is ridiculous because they have just as much to offer to the rest of the world as a neurotypical person does.
But, um, y- you know, when, when we're willing to, to sit back and not push our agenda, but really spend some time listening to our kids about, you know, why they don't want to do something in a particular timeframe or why they don't, it builds trust and it, it builds- A lot of times I'm like, "Oh, well, I wish I'd thought of that before, 'cause that totally makes sense why you're not ready to do that."
But I was so [00:19:00] focused on what I thought had to be done, I j- I couldn't see it. Yeah. No, and I, I think that's one of the main challenges, again, is societal expectations versus maybe, um, you know, a, a teen or a young adult on the, uh, you know, on the neurodivergent category, so to speak, would- was just gonna be a probably, no, you know, most likely gonna be on a more delayed path.
You know what I mean? And it- I'd say a different path, right? I say even the term delayed has, has a connotation to it that it's not right or correct, right? But, you know, and I even think we could go into some more deeper philosophy about, you know, geez, you know, graduating high school, going to college, getting a job.
I mean, that's all stuff that our society has created that doesn't really mean anything other than we put meaning towards it. You know what I mean? And so- But I do think it's so important if you understand what's happening, you know, back to the understanding neurodiversity, then it is, it's so much easier to have, uh, I don't know, maybe even patience isn't the right word, but to have an understanding of why this is just gonna [00:20:00] take a little longer, or maybe they aren't gonna drive right at 16, and maybe that's the best thing, 'cause maybe they're not totally ready yet.
Maybe their executive functioning and their ability to, to focus and stay in tune with what needs to happen when you're driving just isn't there yet, so you don't wanna push that and then have them be in a situation where, um, you know, they're, they're set up for failure essentially, and then they're likely to, you know, have an accident or, or be stressed out, or have other problems that, that come along with that.
So, um, so yeah, being very aware of what your child's specific needs are and where they're at developmentally, and really a lot of times they'll, they'll let you know that, not only, you know, not likely through talking to you about it, but- Right ... more through how their, their actions are or what they're acting out Um, and again, one of those big primary messages is pay attention to their behavior 'cause they're, they can't really tell you where they're struggling a lot of the time.
I mean, heck, I don't even sometimes know what I, why I'm struggling with something till I really analyze it and think it through. But without that maturity and capability, then they're [00:21:00] gonna tell you where they're struggling by their behavior. You know what I mean? Where they're struggling, where they're acting out, or what, you know, what things are just not, um, happening at the right timeframe or whatever.
So really, their behavior is communication. And so you definitely pay attention to what you're seeing, and then try to, uh, adjust and adapt based on, you know, what it is they're, they're telling you through their behavior, so. Well, and one of the other things that, you know, through doing this training and, and working with you in a parent group that's really helped us is, along with the trust that we've built in our relationship with our kids, we've also seen their self-confidence skyrocket because they now have a, a safe place to land.
When you have all that tension in your house, they don't feel safe anywhere. You know, they're getting negative messages at school- Yeah, they're gonna get negative messages out in the world- Everywhere ... so it's not gonna be- This, this has to be the place- Yeah ... where they can feel safe and accepted. And this training and, you know, really understanding how to parent, um, [00:22:00] neurodiverse adolescents and teens has really helped our kids build their self-confidence, um, and understand that it's okay that they're not doing things the same way that everybody else is.
Matter of fact, in a lot of ways, it's actually quite good, 'cause sadly- Yeah ... after COVID, a lot of neurotypical teens are going off to college and struggling. There was just so much there, which I totally understand. Um, so, you know, I... The one thing you want your, your children to be able to walk out into the world with is confidence, 'cause that really, confidence and resilience can really make a big difference on your happiness and how you can handle the challenges that life is gonna, you know, send your way.
And this has really helped us establish trust with our kids and, and build their confidence. They come to us when, you know, with things that I, to be honest, never thought they would. That they would, you know, somebody is at a party and doing something they shouldn't, they'll, they'll tell us, right? "Come get us."
[00:23:00] Versus, you know, getting a ride with somebody they shouldn't be riding with. They're not worried that we're gonna say, "Why are you at a party where there's alcohol?" Or whatever the question is, right? Those kinds of things. And that's huge, 'cause it's not just- Yeah ... trust, it's safety, too But they know we accept them- Yeah, absolutely
for who they are, and, you know, we're on their side, and, and we're safe. Yep. Absolutely. No, I, and again, I, I think, like I said, the world is gonna... It's gonna be a hard enough, harsh enough environment out there already, you know, based on all the society stuff we're talking about, and so therefore, yeah, it's, it's even more critical to have that connection, um, inside the family.
And like I said, a safe landing, a safe place to be and be able to talk about some of the stuff that, that it's, uh, you know, having. And an idea of, you know, really the confidence I think is important. But again, if you're trying to say f- you know, we used driving earlier as an example, but, um, you know, like the idea of pushing them to drive when they're not ready to, uh, it just, it just sets them up for one more [00:24:00] failure, right?
Like, they're gonna be trying hard, they're not gonna be able to do it, they're gonna be getting upset, and that's gonna strain the relationship, and, you know, I mean, all those things just start to pile up. And again, you're just now one more force in their life that's telling them that they're not good enough or they're not gonna make it or something along those lines, where if just having some patience and letting the, letting the maturity kick in a little bit more and letting more time pass and them get more confident in other areas, then that can be a much smoother transition.
So those are, you know, some really important factors. But again, if you're not aware of this, you may just be like, "Hey, I gotta get my kid to drive." You know what I mean? Like- Right ... everyone in the neighborhood's starting to wonder, when's he gonna get his license? You know what I mean? Or, or when is, when is she gonna get a job or whatever it might be, right?
So, um, then as a parent you start feeling tempted or pressured to start pushing your kid in ways that just are not gonna be to their long-term benefit at all. Well, and that's- It's gonna cause harm, so ... that's where the, the parent forum really helps though, is because you're around other parents who understand, um, the situation that you're in and accept you [00:25:00] for it.
And I'll be honest, it's made me a lot con- more confident in dealing with parents who frankly say things to me that they should not. And I'm not saying I'm not nice about it, but you know, that just doesn't apply to my family, thank you for your input kind of thing. Thank you. Yeah, thanks for your input.
'Cause you, you, you just, you, you gotta protect yourself, and you gotta protect kid 'cause it will wear on you over time. Oh, yeah. You know? And being part of a community that, you know, where everybody's kinda in the same boat and understands that- You know, our kids have as much to offer a- as, as all the other kids.
They just- they're gonna offer it in a different way, and maybe in a different timeframe. So what? Yeah. So I, I guess like we were talking about the safe place to land for your son or daughter in the home, you know, with you as parents, the, the parent community hopefully is like that for parents, right? It's a safe place you can go and you can let your hair down and talk about what's really happening, um, in, in frank terms that won't shock everybody, you know what I mean?
About the big meltdown that your son had the la- the night before or whatever [00:26:00] and, you know, you're just devastated and wiped out and exhausted and they go, "Oh, yeah, yeah, we get it. We've been there." So, you know, hopefully that's the, the kind of feel that, um, th- that parents will have in that community. I mean, that's, that's what we're going for, for sure.
So, um, but yeah, so I'm trying to think. You know, there's so many topics that we need to cover, and so I hope we'll be able to continue to explore some of these other things like, you know, just more of the understanding of the nuts and bolts of neurodiversity and what it, what it, how it shows up. And then more importantly like, okay, when you're noticing these things, what can I do as a parent to accommodate or help support rather than try to consequence or punish?
You know what I mean? I think that's one of the big shifts is, um, when you see a struggle, that's the call for, okay, um, there's something here that they need and, and there's something here that, that, uh, is really distressing them. Not that they're being rebellious or, uh, I mean, the outward behavior may look like that , but they're letting you know that this is too [00:27:00] much or I'm overwhelmed or I can't handle this.
And so, you know, what, what can we do as parents to provide those supports and understand what it is? And again, ideally working with your teen or, or young adult to understand, you know, how things are going and then, um, you know, it's not just about excusing their behavior like, oh well, you know, he's on the autism spectrum so he can do whatever he wants.
You know what I mean? It's not, it's not that. It's more like, okay, we understand this, um, about him or her, so how can we help them learn this about themselves and then learn strategies to, to work around it or be able to understand this about themselves and either Um, you know, frankly avoid situations that are gonna cause them problems- Well, and, and, and that's-
or- ... that's the other big challenge ... find strategies to get through it, right? Yeah, the strategies to get through it really, so. Well, because o- o- once you master the mindset of, okay, you know, when there's a meltdown or there's, you know, behaviors that, you know, aren't appealing happening, and you, you kind of get to the point where you're good at recognizing that they're just trying to [00:28:00] communicate with you, and that, you know, you kind of need to take that moment to figure out how you can support them and how you can handle that.
But then once you master that part of it, it becomes, well, so when do I push, right? Am I enabling- Right ... or am I helping? A- am I, am I at this point where I'm just letting things go because I just don't want things to go back to the way that they were, and I'm just afraid? So that's a whole nother challenge- Oh, yeah
which I'll be perfectly honest- Am I just walking on eggshells? Yeah. Am I just trying to not- I'm in the process of- Am I trying to keep the peace, you know? So. Well, a- and we, we, we have, you know, because we've been working with you, things are pretty solid with our family and they're, they're pretty stable right now.
But, you know, there are times where I ask myself should, should I be pushing some of these things harder, right? Um, you don't wanna- Yeah, that's the question you ask me all the time. You ask me all the time. Pretty much all the time. What, what's the balance here? You know what I mean? Again, and it is a balance, and sometimes, you know, again, and this will be a whole nother topic that we'll get into hopefully, uh, in the, in the near future.
But that, uh, accommodation versus enabling, [00:29:00] right? Like, how much am I just trying to keep the peace versus... and not, not push or challenge my son or daughter to, to take the next step or to, you know, have the next level of development, or how much am I, um, you know, holding appropriate boundaries and, and, you know, doing the quote-unquote correct thing here.
So, um, and again, that's where it's so different than the typical neurotypical parenting. It's just a whole different, uh, way of, of, of doing this. Um, so I hear so many times from parents, "Well, it just feels like I'm just letting him get away with this terrible disrespect," or, "I'm just letting him get away with murder."
And, you know what I mean? And even the other siblings or even your spouse or something like that may say- Right. Absolutely ... "Why are you doing this? Why are you letting him get away?" And if you're at the grocery store, for sure, why are you, you know, everyone's in their head thinking, "Why are you letting this kid treat you like this?"
You know what I mean, or something along those lines. So again, it takes a whole, whole bunch of understanding behind the scenes and in your own mind so that you can be confident when you're taking a certain approach that you know, yeah, no one's gonna understand this, but this is [00:30:00] the right thing for my son or daughter in this moment, and I think that is so important.
That, that's worth more, uh, in terms of your own confidence and your own, um- You know, your own understanding and not l- you know, let alone the benefit of your son or daughter in those situations. So, uh, and I think that's why this is complicated, so Well, and in the parent forum... Right, and, you know, with you at time, you know, you can kinda unpack what you did and say, "Did I handle this the right way?"
That is also, you know, I call it doing a hot wash, right? You go back and you kinda look at what you did or didn't do, and how it worked out, and was it... So when you're faced with... 'Cause even though the situations are kind of the same thing over and over and over again, when you're close to it, it feels like it's different each time.
Yeah. Um, and so being able to unpack things that worked and things that didn't work is extremely helpful. Certainly, I find, too, with the how, you know, how hard to push, how hard not to push. Yeah. Yeah, so these are all, you know, really, I guess, important topics that we can get back to. And [00:31:00] it's so hard because, um, unlike, I think more so than any parenting, like you mentioned earlier, like you can read a parenting book and go, "Oh man, this is awesome.
Uh, yeah, this is gonna work. I'm gonna, I'm gonna go do this thing." And then as soon as you're in the trenches with your kids doing, you're like, "W- what am I supposed to do, or how am I supposed to do this?" Yes. You know? So then that, that all just kind of goes away, right? So, um, being able to be reminded, and then, like I said, maybe kind of going through scenarios that happen and picking them apart a little bit and trying to figure out, you know, okay, maybe if, if I'd adjusted this way a little bit, it might have helped.
You know, those are the kind of things that I think are really important. But it's so, even more so w- than typical parenting, is it's so individualized to, you know, your particular son or your particular daughter, that it really needs to be a tailored approach. So even, uh, you know, advice that I may kind of commonly give for working with neurodiverse teens or young adults, um, it's still maybe within that range.
There's a whole different way of doing things for each different kid under different circumstances. So it is [00:32:00] complicated. I mean, I wish it weren't. I mean, I, I guess, uh, hopefully I feel like I can help people with that. But, um, but there is some customization that needs to happen. So it, it's kind of like this process of, one, just, you know, really understanding neurodiversity and then as you understand it, you know, kind of adopting that approach to, okay, I'm, I really understand neurodiversity now a little bit better, and so I can maybe, uh, figure out how to, uh, approach my son or daughter a little bit differently.
And then how do I adapt even that information? How do I adapt that specific information for my specific son or daughter or our family situation? So it's not only just- Well, and that's why I like this, this program, because it's not just, you know, you, you learn the training, you can go back and look at the training again if you need a refresher, but it also has that parent forum part which is kind of interactive, right?
Yeah. So it's not... It doesn't just stagnate. 'Cause again, that was the problem. You read a book and, okay, what am I supposed to do? And you do it, but then it's like, well, it didn't work. Now what, right? Yeah. Well, it's either- What do I do? It didn't work, so I can do it. It didn't work. Now what? You know? Yeah. And, and a [00:33:00] lot of times it's because the situat- you know, you thought you were doing what it was telling you, but you actually weren't, those kinds of things.
And so you n- you need support after the training to be able to, you know, to continue to implement it on a regular basis. Yeah, absolutely. And, and I think also, you know, the live coaching meetings certainly are designed to, people can bring up, uh, a specific incident or something like that, and we can talk about it, and then you get the support not only from me directly in that moment, but also the rest of the parents that are listening and can offer some support to it as well.
So, I mean, I like that interactive part of it, too, where you can get direct... Um, you know, we can, we can a- address a, a very specific scenario one-on-one for that particular, uh, family, and the other, other parents who are at the meeting will be able to, you know, benefit from that as well, and kind of... You know, again, they may need to filter it and adjust it a little bit for their son or daughter, but the, but generally speaking, it'll give them ideas.
And I think that's what it's all about is options, right? I mean, you feel so- Mm-hmm ... limited and so bu- you [00:34:00] know, backed into a corner, and you feel like there's no options. But really, um, with the right kind of support and with people who understand what you're going through, um, and with some expert guidance, so to speak, then, then your options expand and you realize, okay, I, I do have choices here, and there are things we can do to, to help this go better.
So, you know, I, I just hope parents can go from that feeling of, uh, like kind of hopelessness or helplessness or feeling out of control or, or just out of options to recognizing, wow, there's a lot of things we can do. And yeah, it may take some time, but things are... can adjust and can get better. And, you know, um- Well, and the live coaching is, is my favorite part, 'cause for me as a parent, that's where I really struggle is just, like, honestly looking at something, I understand it intellectually, but then somehow in the moment I get so overwhelmed or so hung up on what I think should be happening or, uh, that I can't.
And so it... having that live to say, "Well, this is, this is how it went down. This is what I did. It, it did work this [00:35:00] time, but I'm not sure about this, that, and the other," it... that live coaching part, it to me is invaluable. I, 'cause I'd, I've never... We've tried a lot of different things, and that just really hasn't been available.
Because a, a lot of times therapists, you know, just wanna talk about The therapy piece of it, and that's not what this is. This is a completely different, you know, giving you support as a parent so that you can parent your neurodiverse adolescent or teen in a way that benefits them and your relationship with them and your whole family, frankly.
So Yeah. Yeah, I think that, that is a, a good point. I mean, I think also just, um, you know, not only, you know, I am a therapist, so I do the therapy thing, but this is a, a coaching program, right? Like, uh, so it, it is more about where the rubber hits the road and, you know, how to, how to actually do things to help it improve and, you know, [00:36:00] definitely not going into...
Uh, I mean, there's an education piece for sure that helps you understand philosophically what's happening and also maybe mechanically or neurologically and all that kind of stuff. But, um, but we are, we are definitely focused on solutions and trying to help things go better for the family and help improving the relationships and things along those lines.
So, um, so definitely not, not therapy in that sense, but more practical coaching and education, and I think that's an important distinction and probably, um, I still think that, you know, at times doing individual counseling separate from doing a program like this is really, really, really important and helpful and, you know, there's obviously medication and psychiatrists and something that can really make a big difference, and then we can get into supplements and all the other kind of things that are out there.
Um, but yeah, so, uh, so this is very focused on the rubber hits the road, how can we do things differently, and how can we make it go better, uh, rather than the deeper issues behind the scenes. And again, that stuff is very important, but it's not what we're gonna be doing here. Um, [00:37:00] but we can definitely have those conversations because, you know, I am a licensed mental health professional, and I am qualified to do that, but that's just not my role here.
So, um, but yeah, so I, I do think that, uh, you know, even from the therapy point of view, a lot of professionals don't quite understand this either. Uh, it's not like a very- I've gotten a lot of, a lot of not good advice from very well-meaning, well-educated professionals. Um- Yeah Yeah, just thinking years and years Just- Yeah Well, I, I mean, I just am thinking about, you know, w- w- w- when we...
when our child wasn't driving and, and we needed them to get somewhere, and they were like, "Well, just put him in an Uber." Yeah, that's not gonna work. I don't know how to tell you that they're not gonna do that, right? Right. They're gonna feel uncomfortable. They really struggle with that social situation of awkwardness.
That's not gonna work. But- Right ... you know, it's- Yeah, for some kids that may be awesome, right? That may [00:38:00] be a perfect solution, right? But yeah, the... but yeah, for you guys it wasn't, was not the right... You know, again, it seems like it makes sense, right? Like, why not? Why wouldn't you do that? Um, and again, uh, w- those are the kind of things that it gets into the what's right for your particular son or daughter in those situations, and that's where you need someone to kind of help you, you know, with some understanding of your situation and what's happening to help you customize how to best parent for your, your particular family.
So... Well, and you, you brought up the parent forum. This is just something a little bit off topic, but you were saying, you know, supplements and all that kind of stuff. You know, it's taken me a long time in talking to parents to find out, you know, things that they've tried from a medication perspective or a supplement perspective that's really worked for their family.
And it doesn't mean that it is or isn't gonna work, but it's nice to know if, if somebody's done the, is it the TMS therapy, the magnetic- Yeah, the- ... stuff? Yep, the TMS. Yeah. Yeah. Has that worked? Did that work for your [00:39:00] family? Did it not work for your family? Um, we've gotten a lot of, you know, good ideas from other parents about trying things and, and some of them have been really helpful, and they've not been- Yeah
medication or therapy, but other things that have really worked well for us, so. Yeah, and again, that's... it's such an interesting, uh, again, side to this because yeah, medications can be very helpful, but they're not always helpful, right? Right. Or one medication that's good for one, uh, one child's not gonna work at all for another and may make things worse.
And so you get all these situations. But what I hope is that there's this big bucket of experience out there that, you know, at least you see the options and you see what's gonna work. You maybe try a few things that you ha- wouldn't have tried before or that you wouldn't even have thought of. Um, you know, anything from, you know, probiotics to micronutrients to, like you said, the, uh, other therapies that, that may be helpful.
Um, so- Magnesium was a big help for us. Yeah, magnesium's another- We started it a long time ago, but it, it made a difference. Right. Yeah. And so the, just all that kind of knowledge base of... [00:40:00] 'Cause I know that every parent out there, you know, is, is trying their best to find all the, the right answers, right?
And again, it's hard because you get... The other thing we gotta be careful of is that silver bullet thing. You're just looking for that one thing that's gonna solve the whole problem, right? And it, it probably just does not exist yet. Yeah. Yet. I mean, I don't know, hold out hope for some silver bullet out there.
But, uh, but there are things that will help, right? And again, I, I like to look at it like a, a, a big pie, right? Like, there's different slices of this pie, and, you know, everything can make a difference, and it's more of a, you know, the whole, the holistic approach, getting everything together as much as possible to give, you know, your son or daughter every opportunity that they can to, to be successful and learn to manage them, their emo- their emotions primarily, and, you know, be able to, uh, learn life skills that they need to be independent eventually and take care of themselves so that you feel, feel like that they're going to be able to do okay for themselves when you're gone, right?
I mean, as a parent, you want to- Yep ... hopefully launch them into- That's what we're all working towards ... [00:41:00] yeah, some sort of, uh, independence where they, they are gonna have a, um, a good life out of them. And, you know, like you were saying earlier, too, you know, neurodiversity comes with some amazing talents. I mean, I don't wanna say, like, it's just, you know...
It's, it's hard because it is, uh, it's a different way of, of brain functioning, and so the, the way problems are, are looked at or perceived and the way solutions are, are come, you know, or come about through their different, uh, neurological perspectives can really, uh, be am- amazing contributions to society and everything along those lines.
Um, of course, it does come with liabilities though too, so it, it's, it's a different... It's kind of a mixed bag, but at the same time, um, I think that one of the big, big tasks long term is trying to figure out how to support their talents and help them be able to, you know, navigate their own challenges and, and help them be aware of what the challenges are and have strategies for, for [00:42:00] navigating around them, which then allows their talents and their unique abilities to really shine, you know?
So, um- Which is, uh, which is also another thing that I think the parent forum, you know, really helps with because, you know, if, if you have a, a, a adolescent who re- you know, really likes dogs and wants to do stuff, volunteer stuff with dogs or, you know, you know, more than likely you're gonna find a family that has a a child who also do- may have tried some different approaches, you know, outside of volunteering or, you know, um, looking at, you know, maybe getting them a job as a, at a dog daycare or something like that and how that worked out.
It's, it's nice to hear other parents' experiences. Um, or how you can even, you know, uh, I've talked to parents before who've done a really good job of just exposing their kids to lots of things in order to have them, you know, find what their passion is and, and where, you know, their neurodiversity might serve them best [00:43:00] Absolutely.
Yeah, for sure. Um, yeah, so I think, again, that's that idea of this kind of collective knowledge and collective everyone's trying and, you know, trying different things and think some things are working, some things are not. Um, but yeah, putting all those pieces together and, and again, being able to draw from that knowledge base I think is super important.
So, um, well, we've... I think we've covered a few things today, Amy. Thank you. I appreciate it. So I think for our audience, you know, if you come up- when you come across this video, or if and when, feel free to, uh, uh, let us know in the comments section, like, if you have questions or there's topics that you want us to address specifically, you know, we're gonna be really open to, um, tackling what your needs are.
So we're happy to hone in on specific areas. And again, the accommodation versus enabling's probably gonna be a big one. Emotional regulation and, you know, how to, how to deal with meltdowns or shutdowns, all that kind of stuff's gonna be big. How to manage technology. I mean, we could go [00:44:00] on and on, right? So please let us know what you're interested in hearing from, and we will do our best to come up with, um, topics of conversation to go through and, um, hopefully we can field some of your questions and be responsive that way.
And if you don't like us, just move along. You don't have to leave us something negative. Just move along. Well, they say a thumbs down is still, it still helps the YouTube whatever algorithm. Okay, fine. Just give us a thumbs down and then move along. Yeah, but no, we definitely wanna hear from you, so please, uh, please respond and, uh, feel free to reach out to me at, uh, www.neurodiversity-u.com and, um, join our parent training for sure.
Like, reach out, get a part of our, become a part of our community. It'll make a lot of difference for you and for your, your children and your family and your- It has for us ... parent relationships. I mean, yeah, it can make a lot of difference in a lot of areas. This is really, really difficult in a lot of ways.
Um, but there are definitely some unique opportunities presented there, [00:45:00] too. And, uh, I, I just really don't want you to go through that, uh, that whole process and struggle alone because there are a lot of resources and things that can be very helpful and a lot of strategies and techniques and things like that that can make a big difference.
So please, uh, reach out and, uh, we hope to see you soon and hear from you in the comments section. But Amy, thank you so much for joining me on this. Thanks, Dr. Callahan. Really appreciate your time. Yep, and uh, we will try to do these on a regular basis. Can't commit yet, but we'll let you know. All right, thanks.
Take care. Thanks. Bye bye. Yeah, bye.
