Podcast Episode 4 - Transcript
So I was hoping to talk about enabling versus supporting.
He's slowly but surely isolating himself a little bit more every day. And the more it seems that we try to come up with activities to get him out in the world, the less interested he seems to be and what ends up happening to us.
It's anybody who's done it know it's right. So what ends up happening when they start to isolate themselves, there is some part of you and I see both myself and my husband do it. You're like, oh, I have a break. I can do X, Y, and Z, and so then [00:02:00] it becomes more comfortable. To do, I don't know, mow the lawn or take care of bills, or whatever the heck it's, and then by the time you realize what's happening, it's seven o'clock at night and you haven't done anything as a family and your child hasn't been out of the house in four days, and it's probably not a healthy situation.
And so it's that kind of difficulty. It's very easy to fall into that pattern. So I, I guess I'm looking for a way to get both myself and my husband on board with, and my husband is for the most part, but I to the same thing I do, which is Oh, so get done, get done. And to find a way to, of a better word, push my son a little things.
[00:03:00] Totally undoing the trust that we've built in the relationship. And what makes it so challenging for a Neurodiverse child is his self-esteem is low because all his life, he's heard, you don't fit, you don't fit, you don't fit. And so when you try to ask him things that.
I think you to get outta the house more and socialize a little bit more. He sees it more as a criticism than he does. Yeah. In his best interest or an invitation to change his life for the better. And depending upon what you have going on in your particular situation, whether it's they become dysregulated and.
Relationship and makes them dig in further or whatever. It's really hard to get moving on that, and that's where I'm trying to find a way to step back from where we [00:04:00] and start moving in that direction. Yeah. So again, this idea of trying to figure out essentially, and if I'm off know, but that idea, how much do you push or encourage and challenge, for lack of better word, right?
How much do you challenge him? Try to understand where, what his mindset or how his mind works and all the things that do with neuro and autism and all the presentations, anxiety and depression and all those kind of things. So trying to figure out, okay, we're worried that if we let him stay home and isolate that we're not helping him grow past that, and he is gonna get more and more comfortable and.
That's exactly where we are. The roots are gonna dig deeper into the, to the house or to the bed or whatever, wherever he's at. And yet at the same time recognizing that if you push too hard, then he gets overwhelmed. And then some like a setback that way as well. Right. And that even happened to me. I worked on and off while my kids were growing up and [00:05:00] just staying home for a while, being out the workforce.
Start. Can I do all these things that I used to do? Again, can I drive through the middle of a downtown city on travel? You know, because you're outta practice, but you can talk yourself back into that. I worry that with a Neurodiverse kid, because of the black and whiteness, they get to a point where they're like, I can't do any of these things anymore.
They get completely stuck, and then it's even harder to help dig them outta that hole. Yeah, absolutely. And again, if they've never even had those experiences in the first place, then you've got a whole nother issue. Have they actually, like I said, if you're going back into the workforce, that means at one point you were in the workforce, right?
And you had that experience. And so it's more like relearning how to ride the bike rather than learning how to ride the bike from scratch. And so, yeah, and this is a common dilemma for most parents in trying to figure out how best to push or challenge, or. Scoot them out the door into the world. When if you do that too [00:06:00] sooner in a way that doesn't support 'em, then you create additional trauma.
Like, okay, I had a job and I got fired and it was terrible and they treated me bad and I never wanna do that again. It's a potential outcome of over encouraging them to get a job when maybe they're not quite ready. But if you don't, then they don't get that experience until down the road later, which again, it's so hard because every kid and teen and young adults can be very different.
But it is the dilemma, right? Like how much do we push and help them learn the skills that they need to learn and get them to step out of their comfort zone? Because again, a lot of times with kids that are neurodiverse, they would rather stay in their cocoon, right? The most comfortable place ever, which is understandable.
The world's not been a friendly place for them, for the most part. And so if they can stay in and do their computer stuff or online stuff, or video or have network or whatever, be so. It is hard to get them out into the real world to have these experiences that probably have not been very rewarding for sure in the past [00:07:00] for them.
So how do you know that? Because this is something we've talked about a lot and tried to ride the razor's edge of how much to push versus how much to let recover or mature. Sometimes there an analogy like, yeah, maybe they need to incubate a little longer, or they need to be in the oven a little longer.
They're not quite ready to come out yet. Right. But if you keep them in the oven too long, maybe they never come out right. Or they never leave the nest. Well, and I think for me, what's made the difference recently is he was more engaged in other things working out, walking the dogs, getting out more
cocoon.
Stay static where we are, or maybe move forward a little bit. I'm okay with staying static or moving forward. It's when that additional isolation hits that you start to think, Ugh. Yeah. At some point, like you said, the roots will be so deep [00:08:00] you'll never get 'em out. Right? Yeah. And again, the trick is I wish there were an easy answer to that.
Oh. I.
They are cocooning a little bit. That takes some pressure off of you 'cause you don't have to have these conflicts and you're kind of like, okay, it's a little bit of a mini vacation that I get here for at least even just a day or two. But recognizing that in the long run, that's just not gonna be the best situation for your son.
The fact that you're aware of that and paying attention to that and asking yourself that question and that you and your husband speaking most couple I. One will be more on the camp of we need to push harder and the other will be on the camp of, we gotta take it easy. And so I know sometimes you two are in that same position.
Yeah, that's a good thing. That means there's probably a middle ground in there where Right. One of you wants to insulate more and the other one wants to [00:09:00] push a little harder than probably somewhere in the middle is a good way to go. Well, and I guess you just keep making runs at it, right? You just keep asking and suggesting and hope.
Yeah, the incubation analogy again, 'cause I do think time is still your friend in terms of more maturation, more interest in doing things. Maybe opportunity to find something that they're interested in that will motivate them to move forward a little bit more. But sometimes it's also waves, right? And we've seen this over the course of our work together.
Sometimes depression will just set in and it's a worse time for a month or so, and for whatever reason it comes and it's a worst month or two. Then all of a sudden it starts to lift and things get a little bit better. So there could be other factors that are happening within your son that are outside of everyone's control essentially.
Yeah, and I did think about that too, that maybe there's a kind of a dry spell where he needs a little bit more time alone. The thing that's so [00:10:00] great about certainly young adults that are on the spectrum is they don't need a ton of socialization. They just need a little bit here and there. Yeah. Yeah. A little to keep them going.
I'll do them. Yes, absolutely. They're not, it's, and it's tough because some kids are very socially, like they want those relationships and they have a hard time with them. That's a little bit more of a painful situation than a kid that's like. Well, I just need a little bit, A little bit's fine. If I get a little here and there, then I'm in good shape and I don't need more.
But it's hard when you get a mismatch on that, like a kid who really wants to be social and just having a hard time doing it. Or the opposite where they have to do a lot of social things, but they just really can't handle it or don't like it, so. Right. And that is the challenge with finding certainly a job that, a job that gives them enough excitement and interest, but at the same time doesn't overwhelm them socially.
It's very challenging. To get a little bit more practical about this, do you wanna talk about some things that you think you might try over the next Well, so one of the things that I thought about, because he does like animals and he [00:11:00] has done some volunteering with dog rescues in the past, is our local shelter is looking for dog walkers where you actually sign up and every Tuesday you.
I can, so I think he'd be a good fit. The only downside is that just the introduction meeting is a couple of weeks away. I'd like it to be something sooner, but I suggested to him via text today, why don't you sign up for this introduction session? And I haven't heard back, but at the same time, it might be two weeks away, but that gives me more time to push it too.
Right, right, right front loading does.
He'll be just comfortable enough to jump in and do it. But it's not too soon to where it's like, surprise. No, no, don't do. You're blowing up his life or something like that from his point of view. Right. But yeah, so that may be a, might be a [00:12:00] good window. That might be the right window, but it's hard to know.
And then for you, again, how much do you nag him so to speak? Or how many reminders do you give him or how much do you talk to him about that? Because. Sour the situation. Yeah, the whole thing that way too. So it's hard. That's a strange and tough tightrope or a razor's edge or something like that. It really is the right amount, and sometimes you don't know what that right amount is, and sometimes that amount changes, but these are all the things that are super important to be thinking about in terms of having that go as well as possible.
A lot of times parents will see this as a brilliant thing and just push it too hard. And this happens with, not just with Neurodiverse kids, but kids in general. Like if a parent over does something, then it puts a bad taste in mouth for the kid, even if it was something they were interested in. Right? But if you don't, in this case, front load enough or talk to 'em enough or get 'em prepared for that interview or what it might look like, then it just may be too much to do.
It may come up as like a seeming surprise or they'll feel unprepared to go do that interview. Like they haven't, right. Haven't programmed [00:13:00] that into their schedule or into their lives. So it's not gonna happen. So well, yeah, and if they have a negative experience a lot of times then it so them for a while.
So you try very hard not to pick opportunities that aren't gonna be.
Struggle that parents who are trying to find that right mix and deal with. And that's where the trick is. This is individualized situation where you gotta know the personality of that particular kid and also be looking for those kind of opportunities that check certain boxes for that kid. Like he's interested in dogs and animals, like that's a good match that way and has some experience doing that kind of stuff.
So, you know, that's all a good match. And so now the trick is.
[00:14:00] People getting different suggestions and trying to strategize specifically with your particular kids' personality and history and all that stuff in mind can be really helpful. Well, and for me, and certainly just my family in general, I think one of the things is to find a way to put it on every day to make a run at something.
It doesn't.
I'm still working on how to make that happen. I actually think what I'm gonna start doing is putting something on my calendar that just says four o'clock every day. Just take 10 minutes and think about is there anything you could suggest or talk about or do Just to keep the connection open too, because again, I worry about the isolation.
Yeah. Run an errand.
If it's a small thing I, or go for a walk, do something. Right. [00:15:00] Right. But to be mindful about that and to have that as a priority and to be thinking about it and keeping your eye open for opportunities and looking for things that might be a good fit for him, uh, like all the time. Right. Like always keeping your ear to the ground on what's happening and what might be good opportunities.
Well, and sometimes it's not even just finding an opportunity to get the house, but it's addressing subjects that are. Challeng with, with he really, and not just him, but I have a daughter who also is a neurodiverse. Dealing with topics that deal with intense feelings are always hard for somebody who's not neurotypical.
'cause again, I think they have gotten so much negative messaging and one of the.
Of my kids and some of it's maturity, but some of it I just sometimes wonder if they understand that [00:16:00] a lot of social relationships aren't about being the funniest or being the coolest or being the smartest or whatever it is. It's about how the interaction works and how you make that person feel, and how they make you feel.
I feel like some of that is lost and some of that, certainly when you're on the spectrum, you just, you're so busy trying to fit in. That concept gets lost, and I would love to have a discussion with both of my kids to say, it isn't a criticism. You guys are great. Whatever. Just make sure you understand that's really what relationships are about.
If you wanna have a good relationship with somebody. You wanna, they make you feel, but you also wanna be thinking about how you can support them and make them feel. And if everything you do is a funny remark [00:17:00] at their expense, they're out. It's not gonna get you where you wanna go. Right? Yeah. And what's hard is missing some of those social roots or.
That go along with this is tricky because then they pick up on patterns like what they see on TV or what they see on social media, and they think, oh, this is how you impress a girl. Or This is how you, this is what you need to do to impress a guy, or something like that. Right? And so sometimes, uh, it just misses the spirit of some of that in terms of.
General connection and feeling good, rather than feeling like you're, you're smarter than them, or you're trying to prove how smart you're, so you make them feel belittled or something, right? Thinking that you're winning them over with your smarts, but really what it is, you know, kind of help the other person feel less than you or something along those lines.
So how do you have those kind of conversations with them in a way that helps and sometimes. Social media or TV shows or movies, whatever, to talk about the good side of those relationships too, right? But again, it's really [00:18:00] important to say what's going on behind the scenes that make a relationship work versus what you see on the mechanics of it.
And it's so hard because again, a lot of times they're learning how to mask, they learn how to say the right things or. They know that cracking a joke is sometimes a good idea, but then sometimes the joke is way too far or it's too dark or it's too much in one way or another, and we've all been there.
Yeah, yeah. Again, and I think it's neurotypical, so yeah, we make those mistakes too, but we can realize we made a mistake for one and go, oh, wait a minute, and then we can apologize or have the empathy for the other person and things like that. It just doesn't come.
Kids do pick things up and neuro typical kids pick up the subtleties of relationships better. They just observe it and they can piece it together. [00:19:00] But still, it's important for parents to explicitly talk about like, Hey, this is what makes me feel good in a relationship, or this is what makes me feel connected to somebody.
And to really fill in the blanks. 'cause they're still getting a ton of exposure to social media and kind of these. Artificial or fake relationships that are, yeah. Which makes it so much more challenging. Media. Yeah. And Comm Media or whatever's supposed to be important and what we're supposed to focus on and all that kind of fun stuff, that's even more important with neuro divergent kids.
But still, it's hard for them because they don't love those conversations and it's hard to know when and how to have those conversations and to do it in small batches at a time instead trying big discussion. It's breadcrumb. The principle of that is, is hugely important, right? One, being mindful about how much are we pushing versus not pushing, and are we being deliberate in that or are we letting things slide just because right in this moment it's easier, or are we intentionally saying we just need to give 'em a little bit of a break, and then we'll keep looking at maybe a [00:20:00] smaller task or a smaller thing.
Maybe this volunteering might be too much at this point and maybe just right, or maybe it's not gonna be enough, but at least you're thinking about that and trying to decide how much do we jump into this? Not that, then what's the next thing then, if it means just getting more on a regular workout schedule, like getting outta the house to go do something or running errands or helping with grocery shopping or working in the garden.
All those kind of things are important things that are better than just being holed up in the room on the phone or, or really doing nothing, so right.
Or I would, and I do like my alone time too, so I can relate to that. But for us, we might be thinking, wow, this is really terrible. But for them, they may be like, yeah, this is great. Right? Sometimes we put our own, we project our own needs or wants, like I, I can't believe they haven't hung out with somebody in like a week that would drive me crazy.
But to them [00:21:00] it may be That's perfect. I only need that little bit of social stuff. I'm good for while. Well, and I'm grateful that I have the opportunity, both of my kids, if I say, how's your mental health? They answer me honestly. And that's helpful. You get a gauge sometimes what I think they have going on is not enough for me.
And you're right. I and Oh, good. Nevermind. Yeah, so, so speak those conversations then. Yeah. That.
Need, want. If their brain functions differently than ours or their social needs are different than ours, then we can, as parents get really concerned about things that aren't really a concern for them. Now you gotta be careful in that thought process too, because I said if they wanna hole up in their room and that's all they wanna do.
Then that's not practical in this world either, right? They've gotta be able to get out and do some things and earn a living. Or maybe they don't have to get out. Maybe they find an online [00:22:00] career where they can work and do things like that, and they don't have to go out into the world very often, but helping them learn most life skills to be able to manage going to the grocery store and picking up, getting some food and coming back.
But in this day and age, who know just door.
The point being, obviously we want to learn as many life skills and ability to navigate this world and navigate our culture and our society and have some balance of in real world activities versus all virtual online or just solitary. So trying to find those balances. And again, how we started this conversation was how hard do you push because.
They may be traumatized by you pushing them too hard, or they may be traumatized by the experience. And then it's just one more thing on the big pile of, this isn't gonna work, or I can't do this, or I'm not good enough, or something along those lines. [00:23:00] Right. I'm not like anyone else. And, and it breaks the trust.
I mean, we worked pretty hard to get a trusting relationship and you really hate to do anything to damage that. Yeah. So talk about that trusting relationship. I think that's a. What you build the trust with him. Well, a lot of it was starting to work with you, to be honest, because it's very easy to get caught up in that.
Well, and it's a generational thing. My husband and I both looked at, well, this is what we were doing at this age. This is what they both should be doing. Well, the world has dramatically because of technology. Adults are in some ways.
In other ways because they have spent thousands of hours on their devices, which wasn't around when I was growing up. So I think the first thing we had to learn and being able to talk to you about it really helped was he's on a different path. [00:24:00] It's a different path, and that's okay. And once we were really able to internalize that, we were able to demonstrate.
We see that and we're okay with it. And that really built trust with him that it was no longer we were at odds over things or trying to push him in ways that he just wasn't ready for. And you can tell yourself that you're gonna do that, but until you really internalized it and believe in it, they're gonna know because stuff's gonna come outta your mouth.
It shouldn't. So I'd the first, the sideways looks or incredulous looks or disappointment or something like that. They know when you're disappointed in them, even if you're silent. They know. Yeah. And it, my husband and I were both on different paths in terms of getting there, but we both got there and I'm very grateful that we did because it's made things [00:25:00] tremendously easier.
Because when I do ask, do you wanna do this? Do you wanna do that? He knows he can say no. I'm not gonna flip out on them, or I'm not gonna push harder or say, we really should be doing this because I don't do that. Now at the same time, that's that balance of letting go and accommodating versus pushing.
But at the same time, I can go back to the well multiple times and say, well, would you like to do this? Would you like to do that? Would you like to do this? And I get honest answers, right. Like we talked about a lot before too, and this is one of those first important steps that parents, that'll make a big difference in their parenting and their relationship with their teen or young adult, is understanding the neurodiversity.
There are things that they are going to struggle with, and it's not because they're being lazy, it's not because they're being. Oppositional or something along those lines. There may be things that they just cannot do quite yet or don't have the executive functioning. [00:26:00] And as a parent, you may look at 'em and say, well, they can do X, Y, and Z.
How come they can't clean the room on a consistent basis? Or they're really good at focusing on the things they care about, but they don't help around the house, or they don't pick up after themselves. But if you understand that the issues with executive function, how works.
Then you can approach it in an authentic way. You understand that they have some limitations that may be puzzling and may look contradictory at times and may make you scratch your head, but it's not that willful disobedience or that not caring. They may fully intend on sending their room when you ask them to and they get in there and they start moving some stuff around.
Say, oh, there's that Lego piece I lost. Now I'm gonna go put that back on the thing. And they start playing Legos and you come in and say, Hey, you're supposed to be cleaning your room. Why are you now two hours later? Just playing Legos. And they're like, what? You know, when the time flew by, they had no idea what was happening.
And also their full on intention may have been that, but then they just get distracted from task to task to [00:27:00] task and coming back around. To your point is if you understand that, then your heart changes or your mind changes, and then your heart changes. So when you do approach them, you're approaching them from a place of compassion and understanding, not judgment or criticism or.
Disappointment or anger or frustration, those are the things that are poisoned to the relationship. Agree. Um, even if they act like they don't care or they doesn't seem to phase them. All of us are definitely, we all feel that if someone's disappointed in us and we're trying our best and we're puzzled, then we can't figure it out ourselves, and then we can't explain why we can't do it.
And we get in the situation where. Learned helplessness develops where you feel like no matter what you do, you're gonna be in trouble. And whenever you're asked to do something, you're concerned yourself whether you can get it done or not. And then you're probably gonna frustrate somebody or your mom or dad's gonna be mad.
That's why it's so important to understand neurodiversity in general. And then not only that, but then what brand or what version or what flavor of neurodiversity does your particular kid have, and [00:28:00] where do they struggle and what are their strengths? Try to capitalize on some of those strengths and whatever their interests are, try to nurture those interests and at the same time teach them life skills and help them learn to navigate some of the things they need to navigate.
And that's a lot of work for a parent. You definitely wanna be encouraging, like it can be done. And once you understand the the puzzle, it goes to get together a lot faster and you're less upset. You're coming from a place of understanding and compassion and. Criticism, disappointment and anger. Yeah. And you can work with them to find solutions.
If there's something uncomfortable about this dog walking volunteer situation coming up, it's great. If you can in advance talk about what that meeting might look like, what the concerns may be, if in this case, if more coaching on what to say in the meeting would be important. I'm not sure if that's more important in this case, but that idea of.
Try to front and not overdo it, but give enough information, they feel confident going into the meeting and what to expect. And that means running by the shelter in advance just [00:29:00] to see what the landscape looks like, who's gonna be there, what the dogs look like, what the kennels look like, or whatever.
That kinda stuff can make a big difference and see it as a team effort. Like, Hey, we're working on this together. I'm on your side. Yeah, that's a great idea. I'm working against you. I'm not working against you. I'm on your side. This is a team effort. We got your back. We're here to help at the same time.
We're to help you get there, but then we're gonna wean you off of us, or as parents, we're gonna help you until you get confident. Until you understand how it works, then we'll hand it off and you'll be able to handle it at that point. And back to the cleaning room situation. If they're really having a hard time focusing, there's some things that can be done.
For one, you show them how to do it. You model how to pick up things or how to stay focused on a task, and you talk 'em through it. Then you do it together as a team. You work on it together, get them more and more involved over time, explicitly teaching them things. And then as they get more used to doing it, then you are still there, but you're doing less of the work and they're doing more of the work and [00:30:00] they're eventually.
Teaching them skills. One is I do it, I model it, I show it to you. Then we start to do it together. You do more and more over time. I'm still teaching you how to do this stuff. And then as they get better at it, you're still supervising, but you're not doing, you're doing very little. And then eventually they're able to handle it totally on their own.
Starts. This arc, if you'll of how to hand off or teach a responsibility that neurotypical kids will generally get faster. It's not as hard. They pick up on it easier. So with a neurodivergent kid, then it may take more of that kind of hands-on training over time. But again, that can be an opportunity if you see that as an opportunity to spend time with your kid and help them learn some things and it's good all And build trust.
Yeah, build trust. It builds the relationship instead of it being the opposite, which is harming the relationship. If you're in there mad at them 'cause they didn't clean their room every time and they're feeling more and more overwhelmed and helpless and not knowing what to do. So they give up or get mad or tear the [00:31:00] place apart or just curl up in a ball and or go into their turtle shell or whichever direction they're gonna go.
So then all of a sudden, the cleaning the room can now be this thing that's a relationship builder, and it's something that teaches them life skills. Um, it's something that you're working together on. You can make it fun. Again, you gotta do some heavy lifting as a parent to come in there with the right attitude and the right, Hey, we're gonna work and we're gonna learn this thing together and we're gonna have a good time doing it.
So then cleaning the room is a positive thing. It's not this horrible, bad thing, another failing of theirs that they have to deal with. It can be something that really nurtures the relationship and builds trust and helps them learn some skills over time. But it's about how you, as a parent, if you understand what's really happening, you can come in with the right mindset.
The.
Grow the relationship. It's not opportunity to more distance or more alienation, another bad.
Yeah. [00:32:00] But if you don't know that, all you know is to come in with the traditional approach is, okay, well if the room's not cleaned, I'm taking your technology away and you're not gonna get your technology back till they clean the room and then they're like, I, I wanna clean my room because I want that technology back.
Or I even wanna make you happy. I'm happy to clean the room if I, but I can't. I try. And then they can't, and they can't explain why they can't do it. And then the parents get more upset and more punishing and more consequences. And so you get in this bad cycle. Whereas if you can reverse that and turn that into the opposite thing, Hey, we're gonna work on this together.
I'm gonna teach you how we're gonna walk through this until you get it, and then I'm gonna hand it off to you and then you're gonna be able to do this and it's gonna be awesome. And you don't have to lose your technology and nobody has to get punished. So yeah, I really, really like trying to help parents make that shift from it feeling like a battle to how do we work together and actually process and.
But again, that's more opportunity if you can come at it with the right [00:33:00] mindset or heart set than you are working together and it's good relationship time or it's time to work on a project together. And so anyways, that's what ran through my mind as we were talking about this and you talking about the trust.
And again, that idea, how much do you push? How much do you let them have what they need? If they need a little bit more space or a little less pressure for the next day or two, or week or two or even a month or whatever, doing that intentionally. You have a plan in, you know, that you and your parenting partner are working together and you're trying to stay on the same page with, okay, we're gonna intentionally, it looks like I've gone into a little bit of a slump.
We wanna try to find a few things to do, but if he can't or it just isn't, you know, in the head space to be able to do that, then we're gonna go smaller. We're gonna give him a little bit of a reprieve here for a bit, then we're gonna pick up again in a week or two. Or when we start seeing his mood get better or the sleep gets better, or whatever it could be that's impacting this.
And again, we can talk about, geez, all the health stuff [00:34:00] that goes along, right? Whole nother major, five or six podcasts or talk about that kind of stuff. So yeah, the trick is having other people helping you with that.
Because again, if you get to a traditional person who doesn't have the experience in this, they're gonna give you the traditional advice and that's gonna dig the hole and damage the relationship more. That's why we can do this as a community and help each other out and really work together to make sure that you are being intentional about these kind of choices.
And sometimes the right thing to do is to do nothing or to let them cocoon up or re.
Like maybe doing a volunteer thing or getting a job or getting outta the house more, or taking more responsibilities in certain ways and ramping them back up as they can over time. Well, and I think one of the things that's so great about your program is the whole arc that you just talked about. We've talked about that before.
I know that. Right. [00:35:00] But I forget, in my daily life, I'm wandering around. Oh.
Reminder of a parent support community of the training of things to go back and look at. So I can remember because it's easy to get bogged down in your day-to-day life, and especially because you're always trying to get stuff done quickly. And one of the things that both my husband and I learned from working with you with is it's gonna take more time.
Right? It, it just is. They're on a different trajectory and there's nothing wrong with that. Where are we going? Nor go, right? Yeah. It's like our society, we believe there's some rush to this. There's a lot of expectations that we hold out that aren't necessarily necessary. Right. They're just cultural expectations or just how other people have done it, and recognizing that, yeah, if your child's neurodiverse, they're gonna probably be on a, they're gonna take 'em longer to incubate or in the oven, or [00:36:00] Right.
But again, that idea of how much pressure to put on, how much to expect, and you know, one of the most effective ways to do that is to do that. I do, we do, you do arc and uh mm-hmm. That's like a fading in and a fading out process. It's generally not like an immediate, you do it once, one and done, and they're trained and they can do it.
It's more like something that you do over time and that can apply to almost anything you're hoping them to do. Right. Any kind opportunity. It's challenging. Yeah. If it were easy, parents would figure this out automatically on their own. But yeah. But it's a challenge and, and again, I don't wanna discourage anybody, but I mean, if they're feeling discouraged, that totally makes sense.
'cause even if you're doing everything right, it's still tough in terms of believing that you're on the right path and having that confidence that you're on the right path.[00:37:00]
Staying engaged with other people who understand too, because it's difficult for people to understand who don't have children who aren't neurotypical, right? Your friends and neighbors who are not in the same boat are gonna be scratching their heads and giving you kinda more traditional advice, so to speak.
Right? Which again, I don't blame them either, but they just don't understand. And hopefully you as a parent start to understand more and more. Why this has to be different and that once you understand that it changes your perspective and then how you approach your son or daughter as well. Absolutely. To me, that is the big picture because life is hard for them already, right?
We don't wanna make it harder at some level. We need to be the, the thing that nurtures them into a successful adulthood. We wanna make sure.
Definitely not judged in the same ways they [00:38:00] get judged by society out there and at the same time skills and confident that they can do stuff, right? Yeah. Again, teach them the skills, help 'em help to build their confidence and provide them with those opportunities or help them take advantage of those opportunities that will build that skill, build the confidence.
'cause really they have a lot of evidence to. Discourage their confidence, right? From all these things that have happened. Although again, in most cases they're pretty good at certain things, so they might be overconfident in certain areas of their lives, right? Yep. Definitely see that. Um, but anyways, but yes, it's all that coming together.
So I do think anything you can do as a parent to help, help your confidence and also your perspective on how to approach, and then at least, you know, you're doing all you can. To provide the best opportunities, even if you're on a longer timeframe, or even if it's gonna take years versus months, that you know that you're heading down the right path and that the outcome of this eventually is gonna be as good as it can be for sure, which does enable you to be more patient when you know you're on the right path.
It's much easier to be [00:39:00] patient. What I see having with you guys is you get this confidence, right? Then a little bit of anxiousness popped him like, are we doing enough? Is this enough? It seems like he's having a harder time. What are we doing? Then you try to start to tinker more sometimes and you're
doing. And uh, sometimes it make makes sense to push harder and sometimes it makes sense to back off and sometimes it makes sense to do something completely different. But again, you guys do a great job and keep hanging in there. That's all you can do is keep hanging in there. These are the challenges.
Keep trying. Yep, yep. Absolutely. Okay, well, hope this was helpful for you and the folks out there, so absolutely helpful for me. Reminder of that arc. Yeah, for sure. I'll have to maybe do a video straight on that to talk about that in more detail. Alright, well I really appreciate it. I appreciate your time on all this and talking it through with me, and hopefully we can help some parents out there who are in the same boat, [00:40:00] so I hope so.
All right. Thank you very much. Have a good one. Thanks, ed. Yep.
